Child Inside
The innocent, the child, the lost. In a state of forgetting. Yet to remember her eternal self.
How sad am I for the girl who had so much to remember and so much unlearning to do.
And yet I am happy that she chose to trust the process, to thank the tears and to let her old self go.
Throughout my life I have found art and creativity tremendously healing. Except I didn't realise that I even needed healing.
Its a dichotomy that the more we come into balance - the more out of whack we realise that we were and so the journey seems to get longer and more procrastinated. We spew up all manner of issues and pains dating far back into our existence. No one is to blame. It isn't even about that. It is about our desire to find our innate wholeness.
Who are we? Why are we here? What is our fullest purpose. What did we come here to do?
************************************************ I remember when I grappled with the idea that I'd chosen my experiences. That I had been on earth before.....quite a few times, and each time was to LEARN. Apparently I had chosen the revolting things that had happened and I should be grateful for them.
To begin with I struggled with this concept/perception/view/idea/belief system.
The idea of being able to muster up the energy of love from inside me and to project it outwards towards sad and upsetting circumstance, or mean people, seemed completely absurd and something that I wasn't capable of doing at that time. In fact it would take me several years before I could get my head around the whole -I agreed to the lesson thing- but when I did, it changed everything.
First of all, I tried to send love towards painful stimuli in my life, but it was merely a word. The intention was correct, but the feeling can never be lied. It would take me years still, until I learned how to feel and send love from my heart.
I had enrolled in a psychic art course at The College of Psychic Studies in South Kensington, London, and during a class I had a reading about my art from a fellow student. I didn't realise at the time, but this was to be pivotal in my evolution as a person - both with my confidence, consciousness, self expression, connection, happiness, way I carried myself. In fact everything about me was just about to change.
Firstly I had a complete mental breakdown, although at the time I didn't give it a label. It was just an experience that I was going through that left me as ' a pair of eyes looking out into the world,' and nothing else.
I functioned and was under extreme stress with my life, and yet I couldn't ask anyone for help. I was completely unable to share my feelings with anybody. It was as if I was stuck so far back inside my head with clamouring thoughts, looping and looping. My head physically hurt and my eyes felt dull as if I couldn't really see with them either.
Much of this time, my memory is a blur, with a poignant moment - that was to be a major turning point - when I literally begged God to help me.
I had been sent to a convent school, made to study religion, I'd encouraged my son to say prayers when he was little, yet it was at this breaking point that I finally understood something.
When I'd been taught about God as a child, I always thought he was a man, and yet when I prayed with my whole broken being, I was beseeching the universe. Something much greater than a man. I was asking a force. An energy - something that I KNEW was there. When everything else had been stripped away....I KNEW.
Ironically, throughout this troubled time, I was painting as if my life depended on it, and running regular art classes - sometimes five in a day. Little batches of delightful children sent to me as if on some crazy conveyor belt. I later learned that all that came to class ( children and adults) were drawn by an energy that I was emitting, and that energy had something to do with the conversation I'd had with God.
I found that conversation was not necessary. No descriptions of how to paint were given. I just showed students the invisible energy pathway by being it. By being a bridge for them.
Over a period of ten years, I taught over a thousand students from all over the world, and I realised that every single one of them needed healing, which is why they came.
When we connect through art, we can gradually undergo the process of healing that was bought about by our feeling of separation that began the moment we were born.
There are infinite layers to it - spanning lifetimes - but eventually we can truly come to know ourselves, and to be happy by just being. Knowing that we are enough, just as we are.
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And what the student at CPS had told me was that he could see an energy flowing down through my head, but then it got stuck and could not flow out of my arms.....
This can clearly be seen in my art - pre and post connectivity to my heart centre. 3rd dimensional to 5th. Views of the Isle of Wight to vibrantly free flowing self expressive pieces.
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